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An Interview to a Flower

“I may not stay here for a long time, may be withered and gone sooner but the world has known me for the beauty I have shown behind the pain I get from too much sun, behind the anxiety I feel from the outrage of the wind, and behind the loneliness I feel whenever it rains.  Even if I had felt all those things I still manage to give positivity to those who needs it, give radiance to those who feel darkness, give comfort to those who feel sadness and I’m here to express love. I may not stay here as long as you will but the world will remember me as beautiful as life may be, as brilliant as the sun in noontime, as sorrowful as someone who lost a loved one but you, if you don’t mind, HOW WILL THE WORLD WILL REMEMBER YOU WHEN YOU’RE GONE?”
I was stopped by his question, his last words. How will I be remembered? I was circling with the thought, finding the answer, will I have one?

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Confession of a Sea Anchor

I was here before and I am here again right now.
Watching the light from above, waiting for someone to break me out.
I was here before and I am here again, right now.
Withstanding everything the current may bring,
gathering all my strengths to keep myself fighting
from the pressure under, even when all I have is cold water, around me. Embracing me and I don’t know if I should be with glee.

I am here waiting for someone to bear a hand.
One, two, three or five. Why does it take so long for them to take me up?
How long have I been here? And I looked above.
There’s nothing more that I can see, a sky of darkness all over, around me.
HELLO? I tried to call.
Swoosh. The current answer, giving me some sands that tried to blind my eyes.
I blinked. Waiting for what’s coming.
I see a black shadow walking, running towards me.
I tried to reach it and I did, and so late to realize I am holding on to nothing.
I am lost, didn’t I? I thought to myself.
I am lost in the depth of the sea and the darkness here are creeping me, slowly eating my sanity.
Am I lost without no one noticing me? Even if they did, they must have replaced me.
Why? I asked as I feel my tears welling up.
Am I not worth it? Why? I shouted but I can’t hear myself even.
All I hear is the swooshing of the water with me.

I can’t distinguish anymore if it’s the water I have been drowned to or the loneliness that’s worming inside me.
The loneliness that keeps me grounded and keeping me free from the abyss of misery.
I feel empty and sad I whispered as I touched my chest, right where my heart is located. You’re still beating, why?
Then, there it goes. There go my tears with the ocean. I can’t help, I need to cry.

I looked up again and saw a stray of light striking, reaching me with its warm touch.
I tried to reach out my hand but I just got tired and finally gave up. I know I’m stuck.
I guess I will be forever stuck here in the darkness and my aloneness is really making me lonely.
I looked around, I feel hopeless.
I feel a little itchy as I saw there’s something creeping on me.
Go away! I shouted but-
The light! The light helped me to grow even under this misery.
Even under the darkness, I didn’t realize that there may be something from here. So unexpected, plants are growing with me and in me. I feel giddy and I looked around, again.
Looking for another to share this feeling of achieving something I thought I am incapable of. But I see nothing and emptiness.
What should I do with this? This is nonsense! I am all alone.
What is the use of having these? No one will ever appreciate, me.

I feel heavy again. The pressure of the water is digging me again, pulling me deeper and holding me until I’m wheezing out of the air.
HELP! I cried and the plants around me waved. Almost dancing with the water while I am crying out for help. No one will come. I thought. No one will be here to help.

I closed my eyes. Nothing is different from the sight when my eyes were open, it’s still dark. Maybe this is the end, I thought as I am slowly carried by the swirling darkness. Well at least, I won’t be lonely anymore and that made me smiled.

I gasped for air and I heard the bubbles popped as my eyes and lips opened. There was a fish in front of me, smiling.
Are you okay? He asked and I don’t know what to respond so I nodded.

Days passed and everything’s still the same. The darkness, coldness, the only thing changed is me. I am now happy. I was relieved by a fish that just passed by, eaten the moss that’s formed on my lips. I was relieved.
He stayed here with me even with all these things I hated.
Suddenly the darkness are all now familiar to me.
I feel happy with the things that I used to hate me when all along, BEING LOST ISN’T THE END OF BEING ME.
It’s true indeed that you need to get lost, before you get found.

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Terminal

Gusto ko sanang maghintay,

Baka may dumating

May dumating na araw na ang ating mga damdamin

Ay magiging pareho rin

Gusto ko sanang maghintay,

Kaso baka di ka dumating

Gusto ko sanang maghintay

Baka sakaling tayo’y pareho rin

Na naghihintay lamang ng pagkakataon

Na nagaabang ng tamang tyempo

At sa tamang panahon magkakaaminan din

Gusto ko sanang maghintay

Kaso, malabo

Malabo yung posibilidad na iniisip ko

Malabo yung tayo na hinihintay ko

Gusto ko sanang maghintay

Kaso di ka naman dadating

Naisip ko, baka nga tayo’y pareho rin.

Pareho na naghihintay.

Sa taong di natin alam kung darating

Dadating ba siya? 

Kasi kung hindi, pwede naman akong pumunta

Kung nasaan ka, at magsisimula tayong muli

Muling maglakad, tumakbo at lumayo 

Mula sa dati nating pinaghintayan

On the way na ba siya? kasi kung hindi sabihin mo lang at ako ay dadating

Dadating ba siya? 

Kasi naghihintay lang din ako.

Nandito lang ako. 

Sa kabilang terminal na pinaghihintayan mo. 

Nandito lang ako. 

Naghihintay, na di siya dumating

Baka sakaling, kung di siya dumating

Dumating naman ang oras na ako ay iyong mapapansin.

Posted in poetry

Paalam.

Paalam. Isang salita ngunit hindi ko man lang naipagsigawan. 

Paalam, di mo man lang ako narinig.

Di ko man lang narinig kung ikaw ay magpapaalam pabalik. 

Paalam. Isang salita, pero di man ako nabigyan ng pagkakataon,

Na sayo ay sabihin,

Na ikaw ay yakapin…

Paano kung hindi na tayo magkita muli?

Dahil ito, nakatayo na ako sa dulo,

Tinatanaw ka pabalik. Di pa handa sa sunod na hakbang na gagawin. Wala na ring manwal na susundin. 

Paalam, nakikita mo ba ako? Malamang hindi. 

Malamang, sa iba ka nakatingin. 

Pero okay lang, paalam na din. 

Sana tayo’y, kahit papaano’y naging tayo’y magkaibigan.

Naging madali sana sambitin lahat ng nais na sabihin. 

Paalam, ito na ang dulo ng aking daraanan.

Ang daan na mayroong ikaw at ako na parehong binaybay ang dulo ng patutunguhan. 

Mukhang dito ko na lamang mabibigkas,

Mukhang dito na din magwawakas

Kaya paalam.

Pero sana magkita pa tayo muli.

Dahil ito ang dulo pa lamang ng kalahati.

At sana, ikaw ay nakangiti.

Sana, pareho na.

Sana pwede na.

Ilang sana at sana ay mangyari pa.

Sana sa ating paglalakad patungo sa kabilang dulo,

Tayo ay magkatagpo.

Paalam, mula sa lihim na nagmamahal sayo.

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Try niyo lang magsuot ng heels…

Bakit nga ba ang hirap umamin?

Sa tuwing lalapit, kabog ng puso’y sobra ang tulin

Buti pa sa isip, nalalabas laman ng damdamin

Buti pa ang papel, naririnig hiyaw ng damdamin

Isulat ang tamang sagot at ipaliwanag.
1. Bakit nga ba mahirap umamin?

A. Babae

B. Nahihiya

C. Takot mareject

D. Takot na baka lumayo siya at umiwas

E. Wala sa nabanggit
Letter A at B. Babae at Nakakahiya: Oo, nakakahiyang umamin! Nakakahiya, lalo na kapag babae ka! Bakit? Ganto kasi ang konsepto ng isang babae, dapat isa kang Maria Clara: babaeng may dignidad at delikadesa. Sa mundong puno ng mapangmatang mga tao, mahirap sumuway sa mga nakasanayan na. Kalaban mo ang buong mundo. Lahat sila nakatingin sayo. Nakakahiyang ikaw ang unang lumapit at umamin ng nararamdaman kasi iisipin nilang desperada ka, malandi, etsetera. Aray te! Agad-agad? Bakit? Nasaan ang hustisya? Siguro ang sarap maging lalaki no? Kapag gusto mo ang isang babae, madaling mapormahan, madali mong makuha kahit pakindat kindat lang tapos ano sa huli ano? Lolokohin mo lang? Charot. Ibang kwento na yun. Pero kapag kaming babae ang nagkagusto, ilang linggo na ang dumaan di pa rin namin masabi ang aming tunay na nararamdaman. Wag niyo naman kaming masyadong husgahan please lang. Ang sakit kaya magtago ng nararamdaman. 
Letter C. Takot mareject: Bakit ka matatakot, girl? Aamin ka lang naman uy! Nanliligaw ka ba? Huh? Di mo trabaho yun. Wala ka dapat asahan na sagot kasi AAMIN KA NGA LANG. MAGSASABI, MAGPAPAHAYAG NG NARARAMDAMAN. Kinaps lock ko na para maramdaman mo. Normal lang naman na matakot, pero its now or never ika nga. Kaya ya go girl!  Kapag nakaamin ka na, congrats! At least, ipinaalam mo sa kanya ang feelings mo, malay mo maganda ang maging resulta nito? At pumabor ang tadhana sayo! 
Letter D. Takot na baka lumayo siya at umiwas: Okay lang yan girl. Normal yan. Normal na umiwas yan kapag nakakatakot ang pagapproach mo. Haha. Normal din na lumayo yan kapag natakot at wala siyang gusto sayo. Okay lang yan, kung umiwas at lumayo siya e di okay. Hayaan mo. Wag kang madown. Wag kang manlumo. At least, naging considerate at kind pa siya dahil di niya ginamit yun para paasahin ka. At least, may closure ka na at matanggap na hindi kayo talo, at walang “kayo” sa pahina ng chapter ng buhay mo na ito. Wag ka ding mainis kung feeling mo napahiya ka dahil sa ginawa mo. Ang tapang mo girl! At  at least ngayon, alam mo na ang sagot sa tanong. 

Wala sa nabanggit: Sobrang naguguluhan. Hindi mo alam talaga yung specific na dahilan kung bakit ayaw mo umamin. Madaming gumugulo sa isip mo. Nagkahalo halong insecurity, anxiety at kung ano ano pa. Baka kasi di niya ako magustuhan. Ang gwapo niya masyado. Nakakahiya. Hindi niya ako deserve. Wala rin naman kung aamin ako. Bakit ako aamin, di naman niya ako pakikinggan. Di niya naman ako papansinin. Ang panget ko kasi. Okay. Shut up na girl. Naiintindihan kita, nakakainsecure talaga minsan. Lahat din naman tayo nakakaramdam ng ganyan. Pero, hanggang kailan ka pa magpapatalo sa sarili mong anino? Confidence! Baka yan lang talaga ang kailangan mo. Baka naghihintay lang din talaga siya sayo. Baka yan lang ang kailangan para makita mo ang istorya niyo.
Ewan ko ba, pero torpe kasi talaga kami. Palaging nauunahan ng emosyon sa mga bagay-bagay. Pala-isip. Pano, mga magaganda at sexy lang naman kasi ang nakikita niyo, ay pati mapuputi. Mga paladesisyon din kami, judgmental. Alam niyo bang makita lang namin kayong may kasamang babae, naiiyak na kami? Natatakot na kami. Nawawalan ng kompiyansa sa sarili. At minsan, yung takot na to binabalot at itinatago namin sa galit. Nagpapakabitter at defensive. Naiinsecure kasi kami. Natatakot na baka hindi kami enough. Kulang. Baka mapalitan. Try niyo din kaya minsang suotin tong sapatos namin at nang maramdaman niyo kung gaano kahirap magtago ng kilig kapag dumadaan kayo. Kung gaano kahirap mairapan ng mga kaibigan kapag lagi naming nababanggit ang pangalan niyo. Kung gaano kahirap magpasimpleng tingin kapag nakakasalubong kayo. Kung gaano kahirap pigilin yung damdamin na GUSTO NAMIN KAYO PERO WALA KAMING MAGAWA kahit umamin man lang sa inyo. Ang hirap. Kaya mga girls, kaya natin to! Let us take a risk. Take a chance. Who knows, we can make a change! Tara’t lumabas sa ating mga comfort zones. Malay natin, sang-ayon pala sa atin ang tadhana. 

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I made it…  But what’s after here?

It’s been a week since I graduated from college and even if I know what I should be doing now, I’m still not doing it anyway. I feel lost, paralyze, pressured, anxious and… I feel so adult now. No one will carry me to the next transition of my life. No mother to go with you to your job applications. No friends to share with your nervousness during a job interview. No one to guide and instruct you where you should go after here. I’m all alone now. Like Eric Carmen, I’m all by myself now. 

I know what to do, and that is, to have a job but I don’t know how to do it – should I apply online? Through walk-ins? Where should I go? Is it okay to apply for this position? Can a fresh graduate with no experience apply for this? Is it okay if I apply for a job that is not related in my degree? Funny how my thoughts confuses and making my head hurt. 

I can feel the pain in my butt for getting stuck in between starving for a job and anxiety of getting a job. 

This is so frustrating! All thanks to myself. 

For having a low self-esteem. For thinking so negative. For being so lazy. For being so foolish to waste so much time waiting to be ready. For being so hopeless to think that waiting is the key. For being your own. I really thank myself for being her very own. 

Now I know that I’ve been in idle and have made no progress. Now I know that I should move forward. Pray and work hard for the life I am dreaming to live in.